Dear Valued Ticketmaster Customer

Dear Valued Ticketmaster Customer,

As you know, we have fucked your ass for years and years. If counted individually, our profit per person on ticket fees would easily reach into the thousands. Literally...we're not kidding. You have sent some of our kids to college. We actually can't believe we have been able to get away with the ridiculous fees that we charge you for as long as we have. Handling fees? You know we don't even actually touch the tickets anymore, right? We are charging you now for your own printer ink! But we digress...this email isn't about us, it's about you.

It's about our commitment to keep fucking you up the ass for as long as we can. After years and years of raping you, we thought we'd try our hand at the scalping game too! After all, we have a lot of kids to feed, here, so, secondary ticket markets are our bitch too. We want to make sure that we get all of your money. We'll make you feel better about the whole thing by telling you that there is nothing we can really do about it. Well, not because we can't. It's because we don't want to. You see, money is awesome!

Now that this class action lawsuit is underway, we expect that you'll be wanting some of that money back. We understand. After scamming thousands of dollars from you over decades of shady business practices, we think you deserve 20 bucks.

Here. You've earned it. We suggest you apply it to the fees that we will continue to charge you.

Fuck you.

-Ticketmaster